it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
