i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
