A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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