An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
