You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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