can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
