Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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