her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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