This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
