you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
