I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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