I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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