The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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