Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
