Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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