I am puke
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
