Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
