Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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