What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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