I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you had me at cake vodka
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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