My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
