lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
