Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
