i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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