The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
