I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
