you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
