Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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