Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
