I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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