oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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