You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
