Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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