what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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