Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
