Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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