So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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