So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
