Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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