I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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