this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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