My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
