put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
