So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize