I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
