laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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