I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
