WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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