At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
