I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
