Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Still dying that you shit outside
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
