Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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