The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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