If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
