she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
