So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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