I think my fart just growled at me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
