he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
