what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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