I seem to have left my pride at pride
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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