i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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