My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
