if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
