peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
