It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
